I Went to Bed, Looking for Rest: And I Failed Successfully
- stumphy
- Jun 7, 2024
- 5 min read
When I first entered college, I was stunned by just how much college has to offer. Academics, clubs, parties… There was an endless stream of fun activities awaiting me to discover.
With so many things going on simultaneously, it astounded me. But the excitement in my heart silenced my astonishment — I signed up for many of them.
I saw people around me signing up to events double (or even triple) the amount I signed up for.
However, something always puzzled me — How on earth do you do all this?
And yet, everybody does all of them.
Somehow, everybody had more than 24 hours in a day except me. And they somehow manage to get rest in between all of this.
Juggling schoolwork with other activities was totally a challenge. Every day, I rushed through my assignments, all due within hours. What’s worse, it felt like school was just my morning routine, as clubs and events awaited me once the sun went down.
I got tired, really tired.
I was tired of school and deadlines, clubs and events, socials, and parties.
I was tired of my life.
I missed my bed. I missed days when I could just lay on my bed and do nothing.
I missed the time when rest was possible.
I couldn’t allow myself to rest, though.
It felt like a loser if I’d left; it felt like not living up to my standards if I’d just ditched the things I signed up for; it felt like I was nothing because others with three times the work managed to survive while I couldn’t.
I couldn’t let that happen.
Even though life was no longer life, I pushed through; even though life was no longer enjoyable, I stood firm; even though life wasn’t livable, I survived.
I kept pushing myself, hoping I would one day reach the horizon.
It got harder and harder, but I stood strong, pushing myself towards my limits and trying to nudge myself closer and closer to the horizon.
I was surviving.
Eventually, one thing fell off, and everything else crumbled.
I really missed my bed.
I went to bed, hoping I could finally rest. It was too much for me, and I had no choice but to look for rest.
I slept on my bed for days, waking up only for food and water. It was the most extended nap I’ve ever taken in my life. And I was so tired that I just kept on sleeping and sleeping…
Eventually, days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Throughout these months, I just kept sleeping. It was finally rest that I desperately needed. And I couldn’t help but keep my body glued to my bed.
The bed must have had a magic spell or something.
As I slept — for months — I got more and more tired. I went to bed for rest, and certainly, it had to be rest — that I finally got to take a break from all that was happening. However, the more I slept, the more tired I felt whenever I got up.
I was under a spell. I just kept sleeping and sleeping, hoping that one day I could fully recharge — perhaps that’s when I would finally wake up and feel energized.
And it never happened.
— A N D —I — G O T — T I R E D — O F — S L E E P I N G —
I started to go to school again — not because I wanted to, but because it was something else to do other than sleep.
I started my studies again, and schoolwork began to flood in again. I couldn’t finish them all, but I was so tired I couldn’t help but pass out on the bed every night.
I was frustrated at myself — I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. No matter what I do it seemed like things were just not working. The exhaustion was just too much for me to even accomplish the simplest tasks.
But it was the only choice. I was forced between exhaustion, stuck in the middle because I was tired of everything — even resting.
Perhaps it’s me getting tired of everything that brought me here — I started to develop a routine. I slept every night at precisely 10, and I woke up every morning just at 4. I went to school and went home directly afterwards. I’d do my homework until I ran out of energy and passed out on the bed.
The weird thing is, as I continued with this “ritual” every day, I improved. I was more productive than before, smashing through each assignment like they were kindergarten material. I was less tired, feeling more and more energized every day I woke up.
I started to enjoy this way of life — a pattern and rhythm embedded in life itself. And it felt like I was finally recovering, as I thought more and more refreshed each day.
It was the rest I always wanted — rest that recharges me, rest that refreshes me from exhaustion, rest that rescues me from draining. It was the ultimate rest calling to me.
I slowly attended more clubs and events as I got better, yet they didn’t feel overwhelming like before. Instead, I prevailed over them even though more and more kept coming.
I finally unlocked the key to the puzzle — It’s not that everybody else has more than 24 hours in a day, but when we repeat over and over again, time shrinks.
When we repeat something over and over again, what would have taken 3 hours eventually takes 2 hours, an hour, or even shorter. When we create a rhythm, we’re no longer confined to 24 raw hours but 24 condensed hours. When we unfold our day, we realize we have packed so much simply by creating a rhythm.
Indeed, that was the ultimate rest I needed — rest that was sustainable and refreshing. I thought my bed would help me find my rest, yet it was rhythmthat gave me the rest I longed for.
Sleep, however, was my means of escaping reality back then — I could not face my challenges anymore. I was lying to myself — that if I slept, everything would be over and alright. It wasn’t rest but escape. It wasn’t recovery but sabotage.
We don’t get comfortable with randomness; it slows us down, pressures us, and overwhelms us. We find patterns in randomness; in patterns, we create rhythms — routines that help us cope with uncertainties.
As we pick up rhythm in our lives, we become comfortable and efficient and start to adapt, thrive, and ultimately rest.
Life is like a band. Without the drummer, everyone feels lost, and eventually, the music falls off. But when the drummer provides the beat and rhythm, everyone’s comfortable, and the music thrives.
“Create a rhythm and find rest in your life that fits your song.”
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