I Unfollowed My Heart
- stumphy
- Aug 21, 2024
- 4 min read
And I failed successfully
“Follow your heart.”
It’s amazing how following the heart can lead to many possibilities and how listening to it can spark me to push through boundaries.
Ever since I started listening to the voice of my heart, my life has been full of wonders. I started trying things I would never have done, fighting for things I would have never found passion in, and chasing dreams that were hiding deep down within me.
Slowly, I have learned much more about myself — who I am, what I find passion in, what I desire…
It was incredible to have my heart alongside me. It gave me hope during my darkest hours, encouraged me to stay strong and endure, and revealed what life meant even when life seemed meaningless.
Sometimes, the heart is like a playful child, constantly wondering everything around it. It’s cute how curious the heart is when exploring the world around it, and it has been a pleasure to even have it alongside me.
The old man just couldn’t keep up with the kid, though.
Eventually, the heart had so much to offer that it became burdensome to try to keep up. It jumped from thing to thing so quickly that I never got to stick around and really invest in one of them.
It became so tiring that I struggled to catch up with my heart. The voice within slowly turned from a voice that lights up my world to a voice that squeezes every last bit of me.
I got sick of it.
I got sick of the heart endlessly feeding me with new things. I got sick of the heart constantly moving on from things. I got sick of the heart incessantly draining my energy…
I got sick of the heart being the heart.
So, I stopped following my heart.
It didn’t feel good, though. Ditching the one that got me to this point in the first place felt disgusting; leaving the one who gave me hope in the darkest times behind felt guilty; moving on from the one who lit up my world felt blameworthy.
To me, however, it was just necessary. I was so exhausted from following my heart that I knew I had to let it go.
I couldn’t hold on to it. What was once a companion became something I had to chase for; what was once a friend became somebody who dragged me around.
It was a hard goodbye — the hardest indeed, but I had to do it. There was simply no other choice.
My life was back to how it used to be — hopeless and depressing.
Without the heart, everything seemed dark. Without the colours, the world seemed dull. Without the heart, the soul lost its presence.
I wanted to listen to my heart, but silencing it seemed like the better choice. I yearned for the heart, but the brain seemed much more effortless. I longed for what I wanted, but what I should do was the one to go.
I didn’t know what to do. The light that was the soul was no more. The world that was a wonderland had become a junkyard for all the ideas and passions I have ever had.
“Playtime’s over, time to go back and face reality.”
“What are you doing?” It was a familiar voice that compelled me to keep going.
What do you think I’m doing…
“Are you ditching me?”
Isn’t that obvious?
“Why?”
I’m sick of it.
“I thought you loved following me.”
No, I don’t.
“You don’t? You enjoyed spending time with me.”
Playtime’s over; I can’t follow you everywhere. You’re too fast, and I’m having
trouble keeping up.
“So you’re sick of me running around?”
I didn’t say anything — I didn’t know what to say. All I knew was that I had gotten stuck in the middle and didn’t know what to do.
“Are you sure you’re sick of me?”
What do you mean?
“Why do you blame me for being unable to keep up with me?”
I mean, who else would have caused the problem?
“There’s nothing wrong with being unable to keep up and not following me.”
What do you mean? There’s a problem with not following you. Look where I’m at without you…
“I asked you to follow me, not worship me.”
It was at that point I finally realized. The heart isn’t a god; it’s a compass. It leads me to new things but never forces me to try them out.
And I have been treating the heart like a god who is the supreme, and I must do whatever it says.
I worshipped my heart so much that its endless desires consumed me.
I wasn’t overwhelmed by how much there was, but annoyed by how little I could handle. I wasn’t tired of how fast it jumped from thing to thing, but frustrated by how slow I could adapt.
I hated myself for not being able to keep up with my heart, for not being able to obey my heart, and for not being able to worship my heart.
Following the heart involves unfollowing it, and listening to the heart includes ignoring it. It’s about finding the delicate balance between advice and obedience. It’s about knowing what the heart offers and accepting the ones that spark up the inner world.
I used to worship my heart, doing whatever it told me to do without even questioning if I could handle it. I poured myself out to fill the heart, whereas I should have been pouring the heart to fill myself. It drained every bit of me because I chose to pour everything out of me.
I unfollowed my heart, but that’s the proper way of following it.
“Follow your heart, not worship it.”
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